50 Brutally Hysterical Marriage Tweets That Belong In The 2020 Hall Of Fame

50 Brutally Hysterical Marriage Tweets That Belong In The 2020 Hall Of Fame

“Marriage is having separate tubes of toothpaste because your spouse squeezes it wrong.”

There’s no doubt about it — between the hilarious challenges of being quarantined with your spouse due to the pandemic and the everyday hilarity of marriage, husbands, wives, and partners delivered us some seriously funny tweets in 2020. Here are 50 of our favorites:


DATING: can’t wait to see you again

MARRIAGE: part of your knee was on my side of the bed again last night

01:16 PM – 21 Aug 2020


Marrying someone is easy. Staying married after going to IKEA on a Saturday with an empty stomach, is not.

06:34 PM – 03 Mar 2020


My wife and I play this fun game during quarantine, it’s called “Why Are You Doing It That Way?” and there are no winners

05:24 PM – 04 Apr 2020


Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sounds of their chewing because that’s the soundtrack to the rest of your life.

01:58 PM – 16 Oct 2020


There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

04:01 AM – 12 Jul 2020


The look in my wife’s eyes when she left for Target makes me think she is going to try and save the economy in one trip.

01:41 PM – 17 Jun 2020


My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

12:01 PM – 22 Jun 2020


I told my husband I wanted to buy an expensive blender, he said we don’t need an expensive blender. Long story short, how long should I wait before I tell him it arrives tomorrow?

01:55 PM – 02 Apr 2020


Wife: You’re doing it wrong.

Me: What?

Wife: *motions vaguely in the direction of my entire life*

04:02 PM – 06 Jan 2020


Listen: I just found out that my husband eats spaghetti with a spoon so I can’t listen to your problems right now.

12:54 AM – 15 May 2020


In 34 years on this planet I’ve learned one very important lesson that I’m going to pass on to you fellas. She can eat your fries. You cannot eat her fries

08:24 PM – 17 Aug 2020


-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

04:33 AM – 25 Feb 2020


My husband brought home unfrosted Pop-Tarts and now I have to file for divorce. We had a good run.

07:21 PM – 13 Jul 2020


Me, giving my husband’s eulogy: It’s so hard

Husband, from coffin: ᵀʰᵃᵗ’ˢ ʷʰᵃᵗ ˢʰᵉ ˢᵃᶦᵈ.

01:47 AM – 26 May 2020


This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

08:07 PM – 13 Apr 2020


I’m no expert on women but making them a grilled cheese with the butter spread all the way to the edges is undefeated.

04:05 PM – 01 Sep 2020


I was out of coffee the other morning so my husband said ‘why don’t you just have tea instead’ and next time he wanted a blow job I said ‘why don’t you have tea instead’ and maybe it caused a fight I don’t know

01:39 PM – 05 Feb 2020


Wife: What movie do you want to watch tonight?

Me: Whatever will keep you awake past the opening credits.

Wife: That movie doesn’t exist.

01:04 AM – 23 Feb 2020


My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

03:22 PM – 04 Mar 2020


MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

12:24 AM – 08 Jan 2020


overheard my wife telling old friends from high school that we’ve been married for 18yrs, and when they asked “what’s ur secret,” my wife said “low standards” wtf

01:43 AM – 19 Jul 2020


I just got my wife a giant ice coffee from my trip to the outside world so don’t tell me I don’t know a thing or two about foreplay.

04:20 PM – 22 Apr 2020


My husband put the toilet paper on the roll.

Does that mean I have to do that thing he likes?

09:18 PM – 04 Feb 2020


I have a cold and it’s pretty bad but my wife has a husband with a cold and apparently that’s way worse.

07:09 PM – 03 Jan 2020


Why isn’t porn more realistic? Like why isn’t there one with a husband and wife and the wife chokes violently on her spit and the husband gets alarmed they spend a good 5 mins with her coughing and him smacking her on the back and then the mood is gone so they go get donuts?

08:14 PM – 08 Mar 2020


#Quarantine week 3. My wife has started throwing baby showers for all the birds nesting in our backyard. Please send help.

05:21 PM – 08 Apr 2020


Due to personal reasons, I’ll be flushing the toilet every time my husband showers this week.

01:14 PM – 29 Jan 2020



Wife: let me in the fucking house.

12:42 AM – 28 Mar 2020


[my husband has the man flu. After 3 days]:

M: will you please just take medicine??

H: *pouts* fine, what flavor is it??

M: what flav…it’s ADULT FLAVORED!

01:15 AM – 30 Apr 2020


My husband just said, “Okey dokey, Artichokey,” and now I’m wondering if anyone can recommend a good divorce lawyer.

04:42 PM – 09 May 2020


Wife: Wanna fool around tonight?

Me: I haven’t shaved, I’m really gassy and my hemorrhoids are killing me.

Wife: You could have just said “no.”

Me [already naked]: WHY WOULD I SAY NO?

01:48 AM – 07 Feb 2020


Me and my husband have been married for over 11yrs. I know it’s true love because starting at 5am his alarm goes off like 4 times every single day, and he’s still alive.

12:46 PM – 25 Jul 2020


Made it to that level of marriage where you get in trouble for being able to fall asleep so fast.

12:24 PM – 08 May 2020


My husband: We were way over on groceries last month.

Me: How did THAT happen?

Him: Well we spent like $100 on ice cream sandwiches…

Me: …

Him: …babe, that’s bad.


08:02 PM – 06 Feb 2020


Husband, “I’m going to the store, do you need anything?”
Me, “A bottle of champagne.”
Husband, “Oh, I got you one yesterday.”
Me, “I said what I said.”

09:56 PM – 05 Nov 2020


My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

03:44 PM – 23 Jun 2020


When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

05:47 PM – 09 Dec 2020


Wife: Are you just going to walk around all day without a shirt on?

Me: Just giving you a show.

Wife: Can I change the channel?

03:33 PM – 18 Apr 2020

Now that 2020 is finally (almost) over, we’re looking back on the year. Check out even more from the year here!

And if you think these people are as hilarious as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!

Source: 50 Brutally Hysterical Marriage Tweets That Belong In The 2020 Hall Of Fame

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